.

Okay, i've moved to blogger again! LOL. They have new functions ! I feel like a sua ku.. But, ohwells, do msn/PM me if you wana follow me over!!

 OMGWTFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty much choosing how I should react now. HMM. So does it mean that since you've got all your excuses and activities, they automatically qualify as the immunity doll? Does it protect you from being blamed and faulted? So you think you pretty much can do anything you want without accounting for it ehs? 

Seriously, every single time I say I wanna move on and just look ahead, I'll itchy backside go think back on the past, recall the thick & thins. Then I'll be like, : " I think I should just give this whole thing another one LAST chance." I think there's been countless LAST chances so far. I am disappointed with myself, but I guess to be frank, I am more disappointed with the events that have been unfolding since 4 months ago.. Call it unfortunate, unlucky or whatever. If you're real about it, you'll make it happen no matter what. 
It takes two hands to clap. If you don't budge, continue to hide under that rock every time I look for you, then so be it. 

You can run all your life, but until then, when you decide to give up and just be straightforward about everything, you're just gonna kill yourself with exhaustion, unless that is, you enjoy playing these mind games with the rest of the world. 

I turn left, click that site, where ever I go, I see you, somehow I am starting to think I'm hallucinating and maybe it isn't really you that's there, maybe I'm just dreaming. 

Whatever the case is, I know I must move on, I really can't let someone like you bog me down for so long. Sometimes I really wonder what comes after this episode, will the dust sink to the ground? Will it all be like it used to be? I tried calling for answers, but no one answered me. HMM. 


How? How do you quantify?  Sadness.

Goodness me, its been 4 months since, that pretty much marks how long this has been going on. I AM REEALLLY GOING CRAZY, I feel like a crazy bitch going back and forth on this, and to make things worse, its not for me, but for you!! If you really don't see the fucking use of it then fine, i'll piss off man. STOP sending me on a dumb wild goose chase. Its tiring, and its exhausting me mentally and physically. 

I wish I could speak my mind freely here, but then it would only insult certain people. yes, I don't have the freedom of speech.
So I was thinking, should I perhaps switch back to blogger so that I can re-screen my readers(if any) of course.. 

THIS IS HUGELY ANNOYING. ITS MONDAY & I ALWAYS GET FUCKING PLAYED OUT ON MONDAY AFTERNOONS. 

DAMN IT.  :((

I really wished things weren't what they are today. Again, it is happening.  All that shit that's going on in the family.:(

Damn, we can't even have a decent dinner- prolly 2-3 hour max inclusive of all the travelling. One person needs to voice every single opinion of theirs & make sure it becomes the new opinion of the rest. The other one, keeps asking fucking retarded questions that irritate the hell out of everyone. And the other one, just seems emotionally detached. The one driving acts like he's the fucking king. Me? I'm caught in the fucking middle. When I'm like talking to someone, someone else asks me a question that is totally irrelevant to my current conversation. The worst part is they're expecting me to drop whatever conversation i was having to reply their questions??? OMFG.  Can't we just sit and enjoy the ride to the restaurant?? Is there a need to criticise and comment on every single fucking thing that is happening????? So I feel compelled to correct their incorrect information, ( I only did so cause I really didn't want them to look like a retard when someone else corrects them) Sigh. I really really should have kept my gap shut!!!

Yea, so yebber yebber yadda yadda yadda on and on and on. Like total shit. I feel so terrible being caught in the middle, trying to please every fucking person. ugh.  I really am looking forward to spending this Christmas away from home. It feels so hostile at home, no love, peace or joy, none of these at home. Person A pisses person B off, Person A pisses person C off, Person C is pissed off be person B. Its just a vicious cycle, and it sucks. 

I wished I had a holiday house maybe, and i could always make my way there for short getaways. To be alone, or with my love, sigh, the world is crowding us out. We really don't have time for us.

:((

 I am in need of a break. I am burnt out. Exhausted! Been digging for that stream of water non-stop that I'm hallucinating! 

:( Boo.
I'm getting stone-y, forgetful, restless, easily emotional/upset, picky, tired, disoriented, unfocused and frustrated. 
:( 

Tired of all the sick-ass insincere excuses from people.
Seriously, no then say no, don't pretend to say yes, then lead me on with a wild goose chase, then leave me to realise on my own that actually, you've just been pretending!  ARGH! 

Super mood killer. Super de-motivated. 


:( 

HMM! Almost nothing has been going according to plan since Monday!
Appointment cancelled, cancelled cancelled.

People "fly my kite." I really should get used to this!
I'm glad to say I have really supportive friends, or at least most of them are.

At times, I really would give the world to understand why some people react/act/think/speak the way they do.
Some promise you the world, but in actual fact, their words are always bigger than their actions.
On the other hand, people who keep reserved, seem uninterested, always give you the most unexpected surprises.

Moral of the story? Expect nothing & you'll be pleasantly surprised should anything out of the ordinary happens?
That's pretty much cheating/deluding yourself? I've always thought this, but it just makes me seem like a super pessimist with NO expectations of the world whatsoever. Of which I do have lotss and lots of opinions about!

I think i've accumulated and collected a huge number of tools & skills in my magic bag, however the sad thing is that I'm not meeting enough people to utilise them! I'm eager to do so! UGH!

Of all the challenges I've faced, the hardest thing to get over is when a family member/ friend/ or anyone close to you, bails on you, puts you down, or sees that you've no potential in this career. It's really depressing, seriously, I know most of you will say, you should have been mentally prepared for these from the very first moment you stepped into this industry. Yes, I know, but who'd expect this people to be so negative with you? Not me I know.

The next big challenge is seeing the pay check and still want to keep on going. Frankly speaking, my boss tells me that the people closest to you would avoid the topic of insurance with you cause they're afraid you won't stay in the business for long, & if they'd bought a policy from you, what is going to happen, and who will be servicing them? So fine, reasonable enough, I need to prove myself. I need to build my base, I need to find my niche market.

The next challenge; a promise I've made to everyone I've met - That I will be here to stay, in this industry.
I hate people bailing on me, so I will never bail on my friends/family, and people whom I've met.

Next challenge! Business & Time management! I am basically my own marketing manger, CEO, sales manager, administrative clerk, Finance manager, accounts manager, secretary, planner, Trainer, etc, all rolled into one!! I'm still grasping the ropes! This is hard, but what isn't?

well, for the past rocky 5 months, this has kept me going every time the thought of giving up came to mind,

Yeps, It's a new financial year & I'm gonna make it a good one! :)Yeps, It's a new financial year & I'm gonna make it a good one! :)Yeps, It's a new financial year & I'm gonna make it a good one! :)Yeps, It's a new financial year & I'm gonna make it a good one! :)

a bunch of cloth, sewn together, attached with strings, drawn with a certain expression.
Pull those strings, make me talk, make me move, walk .
Draw my emotions, change them according to your mood.
throw me in the corner when u're occupied with something else.
when i get cold and lonely, you scoff at me.
You think i'm no fun any more, yet you take me out and bring me up.

I thought i was back in your heart again.
I soon fell in the dusty corner once more.
broken hearted, disappointed, i wish i couldn't feel.
my face is smudged, my eyes are blurred.

i try to voice and communicate with you,
you reprimand me for questioning you.
you say i'm irritating, frustrating, and stupid.
you tell me that even though you have other toys to play with,
you still like me the best.

how can i feel conviction when i see the way you treat them?
abandoned, cold, lonely and unloved, that's what i feel.

I wish every breath was my last.
Every second agonizes me.

I wish i never had this gift of life.
I never did know how to live it.

i really will exchange my life with someone who wants to live.

Why can't i just go?

this is the cutest thing ever!! :)) emjoy! :)

I feel, i've been taken for a ride. it was a long, tiresome journey, so full of hope and cheer, soon after it dried out and it left me with just the bones. Fuck it. I've done my part, and utmost best. If everyone fails to see it, then it's just too bad for you, not me.

I can't comprehend. I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I always sound so negative, but on occasions where I try my utmost best to be bright, cheery and positive,not a single soul recognizes that fact. Are you not supposed to give at least a bit of cheer or praise when someone finally does something right?
I try to plug the holes in my soul where all my positive energy is running from, but every single time I successfully plug one in, someone goes and pull another one out. 

Even a dog gets a treat for doing something right. What am I?

I totally feel rock bottom and lousy. I don't know how to express it. I'm so tired of crying / talking the problem out / pretending I'm fine / trying to confide in you / trying to confide in anybody else. I know what each person will most probably say, but it really isn't what I'm searching to hear about.  

The purpose of my life now is being dictated by the events of all other surrounding factors, except myself. 
I feel like a grain of sand, being blown and tossed around by the wind, drenched by the rain, burnt by the scotching sun, and left out in the cold. 

I wish life were transferable, not what I'm born to live for, but literally the gift of existence, to live and breathe. 
There are a whole lot of people who were not meant to go, whom meant so much to the people around them, whom had so much more life to live, whom had so much meaning for living, whom wanted life more badly than any living person. 

If only I could exchange all of mine, for theirs. 

:((

:(

I think this is what being 'alone' means. 

:( :( 

Dear Friends! :)

I'm back! And i'm happy! :) Anyway, i'm starting a new hobby and hope to make it a business as well!

What do you do when you come to a realization after a long period of time that what you have believed in was totally wrong?

Opposites attract, but when the attraction wears off, opposites repel.

My last entry was on the 14th of August! Its October 4th now.. This goes to show how long i've been doing the same routine! Clicking on the bookmark to my blog, pressing the "post" button, type a few sentences, pause and think for a few minutes, then close the browser completely.

Since August till now, life has not been particularly easy for me. With my new job, i am feeling very stressed and disorganized. I'd admit that this has been playing in my mind, and i've been coming here over and over again, wanting to rant about work and its woes, but somehow that something has just been always holding me back.

Most of the time i find myself thinking too much; thinking about the paths ahead, thinking about implications, thinking about reasons, thinking about almost everything. Being sensitive to most things, feeling insecure about my ability in getting things done the best way. I find myself thinking of the best solutions, but when i do come up with them, i find no conviction to carry them out. This is frustrating and depressing.

I dare not bare my soul to anyone, in fact, i kinda have no options! I shall not elaborate further because i really don't know how to put it all in words!

Talk about the unspoken and the unseen. One thing apparent of these is how they make you feel. It could either be a silent strength that motivates you, or a suction & draining force that weakens you by the minute. HOW may i ask?

I've tried to be positive in things that i do, i try to take it in my stride. I've changed my attitude on learning. Every answer i get wrong is something new I'd gain. I'm not afraid to be bashful that i don't have the answers to the questions, i guess the best i could do is to just give it my best shot and then i will know that at least i tried! :)

But it feels like i'm being infected by poisonous venom. It switches on and off, attacks at times i cannot imagine and it causes distress and turmoil like a bitch! I am, trying my best to find the antidote to this venom, but i can feel the power of the venom getting stronger and stronger each time it attacks and i still don't have a cure for it.



Maybe i'll just end with a story that has left a very deep impression in me. Hope whoever still reads my blog can draw an inspiration from this.

This conversation takes place between a career prospect (Gabriel) and the boss.
Gabriel is contemplating whether to join the boss' agency as an agent.

Boss: So Gabriel, you've passed everything required, when is the soonest can we contract you?
Gabriel: Well, not yet because i still have a few loose ends to tie up, maybe when i'm all cleared i'll give you a call?
Boss: Okay, before you go, I'd just like to ask you a question.
Gabriel: ok.
Boss: Gabriel, every morning when you step out of your house and into your car, do you make sure all the traffic
          lights you need to pass to get to your office is green before you start driving?
Gabriel: .... No, you must be joking! How is that even remotely possible?
Boss: Yup, that's my point, in life, you can't wait for everything to be green before you make a move. You're bound
          to come across red lights and come to a stop, but eventually they will turn green. Don't allow temporary stops
          to hinder you from making your journey to your destination. There will always be red lights in your path, and
          you WILL still need to make that journey.          

Perhaps being told the same thing too many times will make one immune to that particular thing or anything related to it.

I am surprised about how i've reacted, and how calmly i've been taking this since i heard the news.

I really hate it when people claim to know the situation when in fact they know nothing close to the situation.

I convert everything to energy for work so that i will spend less time in the other alternative.
At this rate, i really don't know how long i'd be able to last. Its eating me to the bloody bones.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was supposed to be a longer entry, but i'm really exhausted already and i still have to tidy up my wardrobe a bit!

I will document how and what inspired me to make the decision i made some other time! :)

Dear ALL!

I am officially a Financial Services Consultant with AIA as of today! 
Support me okay?
(Please don't shun/avoid me!) LOL. 

:)


Steve Jobs is my inspiration! Google him & his profile to see why!

Tudos! Back to packing!

Not one person can give me the advise i need to know. I spoke to the boss, i spoke to my bf, i spoke to my dad.

So many thoughts have been weighing me down from yesterday.VERY FRUSTRATED!! Cause i don't know what to do!!!
I'm not sure if i will have the support from the people around me. My dad's advise was to follow my heart, and that time in my prime is very important, i should not waste it.

I've taken that 99 steps to reach this destination, but i'm so apprehensive to just make that last one final step to start a whole new journey. I feel so weak, alone & powerless.

A palmist i once saw told me that i would fly frequently, be in a career that give me fame and recognition and that i'm business orientated.

Please tell me what that means can? I hate to want to believe him, but a few of the things he has said as already come true. Sigh.


I NEED TO KNOW & FEEL THAT I AM LOVED & SUPPORTED MY MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

Every time i voice out my intentions, i feel they're all against me. They say things that upset me but i just act normal. I feel so doubted and looked down upon just cause i'm taking a private RMIT degree from SIM. Is my degree fake? Is it any less worth then any other degrees out there? Did i not put in effort to study and make it? Just cause its SIM, does that make the degree any easier to achieve?? FUCK those employers who are biased against any other universities except the local ones. I'm sick and tired of being rejected, or that fucking sick look on your faces when i say i'm from SIM. SIM SO SHITTY EH? Then why don't you all just petition to close it down since none of you dumbshit HR will consider any resume that dosen't have a N in front of their universities.

Well perhaps i can't blame the employees, caues its the common mindset by all? Apparently private degrees are easier to get, has no standing, are wipe ass pieces of certificates aye? Don't get me wrong, i'm not sour cause i cant get into a local university, i'm just fed up with this bloody mindset. Now i know how it feels to be discrimitated. And what is this shit i'm hearing that private university grads must expect a lower pay than local grads?? WHAT IS SO DIFFERENT ??? AND ok lor, we study in Singapore, we don't get no concession shit, no CPF subsidies, no nothing. Do we like er, fly to the country of origin of our university to work there? NO.. we don't. We stay here and contribute to SINGAPORE's economy. So why are we worse off?????

I am always doubted in whatever i say. Please define friendship for me, does it contain anything about trust between the two parties because so many of them will say :" hey amelia, i know we've been friends, but this is something i don't believe in, if you're my friend and you understand, then please don't ask me to buy."

A friend, she said to me a year or so ago : " Melia, when you become a financial planner, you help me plan everything ok? U make nice nice for me."

I wish i had more of my friends saying that to me.


i just need to say this, if you're my true friend, you'll support me in whatever i do, in all ways that you can, because i'll do the same for you, just cause you're my friend. Even if i can't help you personally, i'll always look out for you.


i feel so alone. All by myself fighting this war that i don't know how to win, and time is not on my side. :(

gahh. can't find any Chinese dictionary to get the definition, but as you can see, " heavy boy light girl" LOL. Literal translation... but its just mainly used to describe how parents/ people treat the different genders.. In the olden days, boys were perceived to be more worthy of girls, seen and treated prestigiously, and the girls are often treated as indoor keepers/cleaners/servants, or to serve the man in the house. Oh well, i never ever thought that i would have experience this first hand.. sigh. Uber sadness you know? And it hurts like crap. It is ironic that it is HER that is treating US the girls like this.. Thank goodness for daddy, who seems to know what we're going through..

SIGH, of all people, he would know best how this feeling can upset and frustrate. We used to have very little contact with him cause we feard him, we had this "barrier" with him.. sorry daddy. =(

I do not understand why this is happening so suddenly. Neither can my sister figure out why.. Today SHE happily assumed that my sister was responsible for a filled up DVD (that contained photos), when everyone knew it was the doing of my brother. When i told my HER the fact, she totally doubted me, and said she wanted to use a computer to check. sigh. 

My daddy definately knows what has been going on, because of late, he's been showering me and my sister with alot of care, concern and love (well in his own way).. Like he peeps into my room, pretending to check if i had left any unused appliances on.. when actually he's just checkin in on me and my sis.. =)

i love you daddy. =) That's enough to make me want to come home.

My first driving experience!

was totally awesome! =)
The instructor drove me to Sengkang and i drove back to amk from there! =) Quite proud of myself!

4 things before you move off in a car!
1) adjust your seat
2) adjust your back rest
3) adjust your mirrors
4) Seatbelt!

2 things before you get out of the car
1) Shift the gear back to Neutral gear
2) pull up the handbrake!


ABC, accelerator, brake, clutch.

to stop, BCB

Grip & pull for gradual bends/slip roads, u-turns! =)

Gear!! there was once i shifted to gear 5 instead of 3!! Everything's using the "feel".

AND, its like i chiong 3 redlight. -.-
It was green when i hit the second arrow nearing the stop line, so when i just passed the last arrow, it turned amber, i wanted to stop but he told me to just go go go. HAHA! gosh! happened 3 times! the last one i managed to stop in time, and plus it was not possible cause got redlight camera! 

WHEEE! i unknowingly kept driving above 50, and he said " wa, why you drive so fast ah, slow down a bit" 

LOL! thank you other nice road drivers today! =) NO body honked me or were nasty! ALL so patient can, i felt as if i was the only car on the road.. -.- It took a while before i got the hang of moving off immediately from traffic lights, and the busses/trucks/lorries behind me were really so patient! i was really surprised to see a giant double deck bus behind waiting for me.. awww! =) loves.

Anyway he says i'll be driving around my area until my foundation is strong, then he'll bring me to ubi there to get famaliarzed with the roads.. =)



Oh, cannot wait for my next lesson!
but first, must finish my prep for my Health Insurance paper on Thursday! =)

=)) YAYY!